FRIENDS S04E23 and S04E24 The One With Ross’s Wedding Parts I and II

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are getting ready for the flight to London and Monica comes running in.]

Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her apartment.)

Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That’s a lot of Monica.

[Cut to the girls’ apartment, Monica is putting things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel watch.]

Monica: Passport, check! (As she puts away each item, she says check.) Camera, check! Traveller’s cheques, check!

Rachel: Who are you saying "check" too?

Monica: Myself. Y’know for remembering to pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get a check! (pause) My mom does it, I never realized it was weird.

Phoebe: Yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But it was pretty weird.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey! Are you ready yet?

Monica: Yep! You got the tickets?

Ross: Oh! Got ‘em right here, (Pats his coat pocket) check!

[Cut to the guys’ apartment.]

Joey: It’s all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls’ apartment.)

Chandler: You got your passport?

Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. You don’t want to lose that.

(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesn’t know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)

Joey: Ohh!! (Runs to his room.)

Chandler: There it is.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, Monica is telling Phoebe where everything is.]

Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, it’s in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator…

Phoebe: Okay, okay, but Rachel’s gonna be here too, can’t I just ask her this stuff?

Monica: Yeah, okay, give that a try!

Chandler: (entering, with Joey) All right! Let’s do it!

Joey: Woo-hoo!!

Ross: Yeah, cheerie-o!

Joey: London baby!

Chandler: Okay, ‘cause that’s not gonna get annoying.

Joey: (louder) London baby!!

Chandler: Hey, y’know what? I was wrong.

Ross: Well, we’re all here! I guess we should get going!

Phoebe: Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but I don’t—can’t get up.

Ross: Oh, I’ll-I’ll come hug you.

Phoebe: Great! Yeah, could you bring me the newspaper?

Ross: Yeah. (He does so and Phoebe hugs him.)

Phoebe: Oh, have a great wedding!

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too!

Chandler: Hey! (Trots over)

Phoebe: Oh, and great! You might as well bring me my book, it’s on the counter in your apartment.

Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebe’s book as Rachel comes in from her room.)

Ross: (to Rachel) So, we’re off.

Rachel: Have fun!

Ross: Thanks! (They hug.) Ugh, I can’t believe you’re not gonna be there!

Rachel: Oh, I know.

Ross: So-so come! Why don’t you come?

Rachel: What?!

Ross: To London! Come to London. Please? It’ll mean so much to me.

Rachel: Yeah, well, I gotta work, I’m sorry.

Ross: Why-why can’t you take a couple of days off?

Rachel: Because, I can’t! Ross, I told you, no. I can’t.

Ross: This is my wedding.

Monica: All right, y’know what? We really are late! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!!

Ross: Fine. You’ll-you’ll watch it on video when we get back.

Chandler: (entering, with Phoebe’s book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo.

Phoebe: (laughs) Thank you.

(Chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug.

Phoebe: Thank you. (She pats him on his head.)

Ross: All right, let’s go! Bye, Pheebs!

Joey: Bye, Pheebs!

(They all start out, Rachel gives each one a kiss, and says "bye." In the hall, Joey says…)

Joey: London baby!! (And Rachel slowly closes the door, sadly.)

Phoebe: Oh, do you need a hug? You don’t have to bring me anything!

(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves it’s entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.)

[Scene: Street in front of the London Marriott, Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video camera and is shooting Chandler.]

Joey: Come on! Do something!

Chandler: I am, I’m ignoring you.

Joey: Okay, here! (Gives him the camera.) I wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop, Westminster Abbey. (Joey folds out his "pop-up" map of London. All of the major landmarks pop-up like in a pop-up book.)

Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that?

Joey: It’s London, baby! All right, the hotel’s here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna go… No. I know. (Sets the map down.) I’m gonna have to go into the map. (So Joey literally steps into the map.)

Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it!

Joey: I got it! (Picks up the map and starts walking.) Here we go.

Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, we’re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?

Joey: Shhh! (Pause) Man, you made me lose it! (He goes into the map again.)

[Scene: Another street, somewhere along the River Themes, Ross, Emily, and Monica are walking to where they’re gonna get married. Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer.]

Emily: …and that was all before 10 o’clock. The caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the florist phoned to say there aren’t any tulips. Oh, and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome. We’re not gonna be…

Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, (Gives her the time-out signal.) honey, okay?

Emily: Well, up yours too!

Ross: What?! No! No! That’s-that’s time-out!

Emily: Sorry.

Ross: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything’s gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on.

Monica: Chicken Kiev?

Ross: Um-hmm! Doesn’t that sound delicious at the last minute?

Monica: Yeah, y’know, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldn’t have to worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.) So, I can’t wait to see this place you’re getting married!

Ross: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily’s parents got married here.

Emily: I still can’t believe they’re tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you’ll ever see. I mean it’s over… (She stops suddenly, when she sees that demolition has already started.) Oh my God!

Monica: It’s nice.

Emily: Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the building.)

[Cut to inside.]

Emily: (running in, with Ross) Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we going to do?

Ross: It’s all right! Everything’s gonna be all right.

Emily: How’s it gonna be all right?!

Ross: Uh-huh, I see that.

Monica: (entering) Okay, I talked to the guy with the shovel and I found out what happened.

Ross: What? What?

Monica: They torn it down a few days early.

[Scene: Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler have successfully navigated the streets of London and are approaching the Abbey.]

Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I’ve ever seen. Hey! (Pushes Chandler in front of the camera.) Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?

Chandler: I think it’s great. It’s great. Y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place.

Joey: Really? To what?

Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!!

Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. (He starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is trying to move off of the couch as Rachel enters.]

Phoebe: Oh. Oh.

Rachel: Oh, honey! Don’t get up! What do you need?

Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.

Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything.

Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.

Rachel: Okay, that is all you.

Phoebe: So-so, what do you want for lunch?

Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. I guess we have to eat.

Phoebe: Yeah, I do. What’s the matter?

Rachel: I’m just bummed about the way I left things with Ross. I shouldn’t have lied to him about having to work. He seemed so mad at me.

Phoebe: Eh, don’t be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married…

Rachel: (interrupting) Still in love with?!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: I’m not in love with Ross!

Phoebe: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither.

Rachel: Phoebe, I’m going to Ross’s wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, I’m still in love with him! I mean, hey, y’know, I like Ross as much as the next guy, y’know? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings don’t mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn’t mean that-that I’m still in love with him. Y’know? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him—Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my—why didn’t you tell me?!!

Phoebe: We thought you knew!

Rachel: We?!

Phoebe: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time!

Rachel: You all know? Does Ross know?

Phoebe: Oh no, Ross doesn’t know anything.

Rachel: Oh, I can not believe you didn’t tell me!

Phoebe: Well, because we thought you knew!! It’s so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, "Hey, you like things clean."

[Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler walk up to a souvenir stand.]

Joey: Hey!

The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the market for? We’ve got uh, scarves, tulip post cards...

Joey: Check this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah. That’s the stuff. What do you think?

Chandler: Well, I don’t have to buy that, "I’m with stupid" T-shirt anymore.

Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.)

Chandler: All right, look, you’re not really gonna buy that are you? Don’t you think you’ve embarrassed me enough for one day?

Joey: Oh, I embarrass you?

Chandler: How can I answer that when I’m pretending I don’t know you?

The Vendor: He’s just jealous. You’ll fit right in; all Londoners wear them!

Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them?

The Vendor: (looks around) They’re all tourists.

Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y’know, you’re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.

Joey: Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If you’re gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat.

The Vendor: Good choice.

Joey: Thanks.

Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, that’s it, okay, I’m out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)

[Scene: The hotel, Ross’s room, Emily is entering.]

Emily: Hello?

Ross: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we’ll be able to find a new place for the wedding.

Emily: We don’t have to.

Ross: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place?

Emily: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we put the wedding off for a bit.

Ross: She said what?

Emily: She said, "If I’m not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we find in a day, well then we should just postpone it."

Ross: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Do you my sister’s teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isn’t right.

Emily: I realize that people are going to be disappointed. But, I’m sure they’ll come back when we can do it right.

Ross: I can’t ask people to do that? Would you ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants)

Emily: Don’t you point your pants at me! (She throws them on the floor.) We have no choice! Anywhere that’s half-decent would’ve be booked months ago, Ross don’t you understand? This is our wedding I’m talking about.

Ross: The only thing I understand is; postponing it is not an option. This is when we’re getting married.

Emily: So what are you saying? It’s now or never?

Ross: No. I’m saying it’s now. (He starts putting on his pants, backwards again.)

Emily: Or?

Ross: There’s no ‘or’ in mind. What is wrong with these pants?!!

Emily: It’s not the pants. It’s you that is backwards. And if, and if you don’t understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn’t get married at all! (She storms out.)

Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please—(He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of shopping bags.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: (depressed) Hi.

Phoebe: So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross?

Rachel: Manhattan does not have enough stores.

Phoebe: Well, I think I can help you get over him.

Rachel: You can?

Phoebe: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross.

Rachel: Um-hmm.

Phoebe: And a small piece of chocolate.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.)

Rachel: Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree?

Phoebe: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. I just didn’t feel like getting up. Okay, I’m gonna show you a picture of Ross. Okay? And you’re going to remember all of the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws.

Rachel: I can do that. I certainly did it when we were going out.

Phoebe: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he’s such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Okay, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you’re with Ross okay and imagine that you’re kissing him. And you’re-you’re running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it’s some kind of grease, it’s—uck! Hah?

Rachel: I don’t know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y’know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy.

Phoebe: Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought. Umm, let’s try some uh, aversion therapy.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay?

Rachel: All right.

Phoebe: So uh, now look at the picture…

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: All right, and umm… (She grabs the picture and smacks her in the head.)

Rachel: Ow!

Phoebe: Okay, how do you feel now?

Rachel: Well, I like you less!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s hotel room. Chandler is watching TV as Joey returns, still wearing his hat.]

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey. (He nods at the hat.)

Joey: Oh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry!

Chandler: No-no-no, y’know what? I really shouldn’t have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn’t cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I’ve had a really lousy day.

Joey: Me too.

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Noo!! I’ve had the best day ever! Dude, check this out!

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Sh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch something he has taped.)

[Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some famous place in London with a rather famous English-type person.]

Joey: (on tape) Okay, so say hi to my friend and tell him that you like the hat.

Fergie: (Yep, Sarah, the Duchess of York) Okay, so umm, what’s your friend’s name?

Joey: (on tape) Oh, Chandler.

Fergie: Hi Chandler! (Waves)

Chandler: That’s… That’s was…

Monica: Oh my God!

Joey: That’s Fergie baby!!

Fergie: Joey says you don’t really like his hat, but I think it’s kinda dashing.

Chandler: How did you? How? How?

Joey: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I’m in my map and-and…(Ross enters) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily.

Monica: (laughs) Yes, I did! And you are welcome!

Ross: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?!

Monica: Umm…

Chandler: I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

Joey: Wait up! (They both run to the bathroom.)

Ross: Hey-hey, since you’re the ‘fix-it’ lady, here’s a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesn’t want to have the wedding at all?

Monica: She said that?!

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: Why?!

Ross: I don’t know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out.

Monica: Oh my God. You’re even dumber than I am!

Ross: Excuse me?

Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding?

Ross: I don’t know. A month?

Monica: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That’s what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was.

Ross: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the flying nun.

Monica: Sometimes we were.

Ross: Come on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Okay?

Monica: Okay.

Ross: Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks his head out.)

Chandler: That was pretty intense huh?

Joey: Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didn’t think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here!

Chandler: (glares at him) I hope he did!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and Phoebe answers it.]

Phoebe: Hello.

Joey: (on phone) Hey, Pheebs! It’s Joey!

Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the—that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say ‘hi!’ but then I figured, he doesn’t care if he looks like you.

Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing?

Phoebe: Ohh, they’re having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn’t been helpful at all. So, do you miss me?

Joey: Kinda, but I’ve just been having way too much fun.

Phoebe: So you’re not homesick yet?

Joey: No, I don’t think so.

Phoebe: All right, the seven of us miss you.

Joey: Who’s seven?

Phoebe: Y’know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies…

Joey: Ahh, the babies miss me?

(There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebe’s door.)

Phoebe: Ooh, the pizza guy’s here!

Joey: What? You ordered pizza without me?!

Phoebe: Yeah. But y’know we were thinking about you, y’know we ordered the Joey Special.

Joey: Two pizzas?!

Phoebe: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later.

Joey: Wait, well, where did you get it from?!

(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, he’s happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in.]

Emily: Monica, why have you brought me here of all places?!

Monica: You’ll see.

Emily: I tell you, this wedding is not going to happen.

(At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to light the place up.)

Emily: Oh God.

Ross: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights, okay? And-and y’know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles…

Monica: And the musicians, look, they can go over here (Points to a little alcove), okay? And the chairs can face this way (Points), and… (Points to Ross) You go.

Ross: But-but, if you don’t love this, we’ll do it in any other place at any other time. Really, it’s fine, whatever you want.

Emily: It’s perfect.

Ross: And, I don’t know, if it starts to rain…

Emily: Well then we’ll get wet. (They kiss.)

Monica: Ohh. And I don’t even have a date.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is in her bedroom.]

Rachel: Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: Do you remember where the duck food is?

Phoebe: Yeah, it’s in the guys’ apartment under the sink. Why?

Rachel: (enters with a bag packed) Because I’m going to London.

Phoebe: What?! What do you mean you’re going to London?

Rachel: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don’t have those babies until I get back. (Kisses her stomach.)

Phoebe: I—Rachel, you can’t go! Ross loves Emily!

Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision.

Phoebe: That’s not why you’re going! You’re going because you hope he’s gonna say, "Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy."

Rachel: Ohh—Do you think he will?!

Phoebe: No! Because he’s in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you’re just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Y’know, it’s too late! You missed you’re chance! I’m sorry, I know this must be really hard, it’s over.

Rachel: Y’know what? No. It’s not over until someone says, "I do." (Exits)

Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesn’t stop.) I do! (Gives up.) Ugh, like I can really chase you. I’m carrying a litter.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Moving Shot towards The Waltham House. A phone is ringing.]

Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.

Phoebe: Oh...yes..is this..umm..Emily’s Parents’ house.

Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses oneself on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak.

Phoebe: (In a British accent) This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it’s not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss Emily Waltham, please?

Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it’s not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye.

Phoebe: No no no, I’ll be nice, I swear!!! Could you just give me the number for where they are?

Housekeeper: I’m afraid, I’m not at liberty to divulge that information.

Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody, alright. So if you don’t give me that number then I’m going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire.

Housekeeper: Hangs up.

Phoebe: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I could kick her ass.

[Scene: Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross and Emily are standing in the reception area. Monica arrives with her parents.]

Monica: Hey.

Ross: (Ross hugs his mom and dad)Hi. Mom. Dad.

Mrs. Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube.

Mr. Geller: (embarrassed) Judy, the kids..

Mrs. Geller: Jack, that’s what they call the subway.

Mr. Geller: Ohh, I thought that you....

Ross and Monica: Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got It!!!

Emily: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham.

Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone's hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Darling it’s the Gellers. (She pays no attention she’s talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, it’s the Gellers. (She’s still not responding.) She’s very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her.

Mrs. Waltham: (Looking evilly at her husband) Sorry, what?

Mr. Waltham: It’s the Gellers!

Mrs. Waltham: Where?

Mr. Waltham: Well there’s one (pointing towards Jack) and there’s another (pointing towards Judy).

Mrs. Waltham: Lovely to meet you.

Mr. Waltham: Terribly nice of you to offer to pay for half the wedding. (He hand a multipage bill to Jack.)

Mr. Geller: Ohh forget it. Too hell with tradition, we’re happy to do it.

Mrs. Geller: We know how expensive weddings can be, besides this may be the only wedding we get to throw (patting Monica on the shoulder.).

Monica: Ha ha, a joke that’s funny in all countries.

(Ross quickly directs the families to their tables.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey are standing by the kitchen entrance. A waiter comes out.]

Waiter: Sir? (Looking at Joey.)

Joey: What’s in it?

Waiter: Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and panchetta. (Joey Looks down disgustingly at the food.)

Joey: (Looking up at the waiter)That’s not food...No, I don’t, no...(Taps Chandler on the shoulder.) Everything's different here...I want to go home. I...I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I can’t even remember what Phoebe looks like.

Chandler: Joey, it’s been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself.

Joey: (Pointing at Chandler.) Your different here too. Your mean in England. (Chandler throws his hands up to his head in frustration. They walk away from each other.)

[Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross, Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.]

Mr. Geller: (Looking at ht wedding bill.) What the hell!!!

Ross: what’s up, Dad?

Mr. Geller: This bill for my half of the wedding. it’s insane.

Mrs. Geller: How could it be so much? The receptions at their house.

Mr. Geller: (Pointing items out on the bill.) Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest bath, landscaping. I’m paying to remodel this guys house. (Angrily gets up.) I’m going to give that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind.

Ross: (Holding him back.)Dad, dad, please. Look I don’t want anything to upset Emily tonight. Alright, she's had a hard enough couple of days as it is. (Picks up the bill.) Now here, here, let me go talk to him, okay?

Mr. Geller: And you tell him no one takes advantage of the Gellers.

Mrs. Geller: Ooh, Jack....(He looks over to her) Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be. (They embrace and kiss passionately.)

Monica: (Looking nauseous from her parents kissing.) And I’m going to go get drunk. (Gets up to get a drink.)

[Scene: An airport in New York.]

Rachel: (Running to the ticket counter) Ooh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. (Slightly out of breath) Hi.

Ticket Agent: (Cheerfully.) Hello.

Rachel: (Faking cheerfulness.) Hello. Umm, when is your next flight to London?

Ticket Agent: (looking at her computer terminal) There’s one leaving in thirty minutes.

Rachel: Ohh, good.

Ticket Agent: And I do have one seat left.

Rachel: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred dollars.

Rachel: (looking through her wallet.) Ohh, I just don’t think I have enough left on my credit card.

Ticket Agent: Well you can split it with another credit card.

Rachel: Ohh, okay, how about five. (She hands her all the credit cards.) Ohh, thank you.

Ticket Agent: I’m just going to need to see your passport.

Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you know what? I don’t have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my night stand, and...okay. But you know what? I have my drivers license and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the counter.)

Ticket Agent: (Slides the twenty back and tosses her credit card onto the counter.)

[Scene: The Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross is at the Walthams’ table discussing the bill.]

Ross: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn.

Mr. Waltham: Ahh, then you have to give us the lawn ornaments.

Ross: I go back there with lawn ornaments, he’s going to laugh in my face.

Mrs. Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. (Ross looks frustrated. She begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say something, Steven?! Please!!!

Mr. Waltham: Don’t take that tone with me. (She looks evilly at him.) All-all right you can. (He looks over at Ross and Shrugs.)

[Scene: The Girls apartment. Phoebe is dialing the phone and Rachel runs in the door.]

Rachel: (Running to her room.) Hi, Pheebs.

Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and...

Rachel: (Running back out the door with her passport.) Bye, Pheebs.

Phoebe: (Trying to get up.) Wait!! Where are you going?! What are you doing?! No!! Wait!! (Not able to get up.) God!! Why am I always pregnant when she does that?!

[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to make a toast.]

Chandler: I’d like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Okay. I known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross looks embarrassed.) And I thought things were going to work out for him..Until the day he over inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A cellular phone rings.)

Mrs. Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors.

Phoebe: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak with ether one of the best men, or Ross’s sister Monica.

Mrs. Waltham: Who is this?

Phoebe: Oh, I’m Phoebe Buffay. I’m one of Ross’s best friends.

Mrs. Waltham: Well, if you’re on e of Ross’s best friends, why aren’t you here?

Phoebe: Yeah, um, I can’t fly. I’m having my brother’s babies.

Mrs. Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio?

Phoebe: No..umm, could I talk to one of them? It’s very very important.

Mrs. Waltham: No, I’m bored with you now. I’m going to cut you off. (She hangs up.)

Phoebe: Ohh! Okay, I’m going to have to kick her ass too.

Chandler: (Continuing his toast.) And I’m sure we’re all very excited that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall. (No reaction from the people.) Ohh, come on!! Monty Hall!! Lets make a Deal!! Come on, you people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations, Ross and Emily. (He sits down.)

Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now I’m not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home...Home...New York City...Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could we please..go home now?

(One of the bridesmaids, Felicity, puts her arm around Joey.)

Felicity: (Putting her arm around Joey.) Are you going home? I was hoping to get to know you better.

Joey: (Putting his arm around her.) I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.

[Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa. Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment because of the toast.]

Monica: I was laughing. (Patting him on the knee.)

Chandler: Out loud?

Monica: Well I didn’t want everyone to think I was stupid.

Chandler: So how are you doing?

Monica: My mother’s driving me crazy, but Ross is getting married. I’m happy. (A drunken man approaches.) I’m not going to let anything spoil that.

Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man.

Monica: Well, thanks, we like him.

Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a teenage when you had him. (Monica stares straight forward after the comment. Chandler tries to console her by patting her on the shoulder.)

(Ross and Emily’s parents are seated at a table. Ross is between them and they are discussing the wedding bill.)

Mr. Geller: There’s no way in hell, I’m paying for it.

Ross: Look, were down to just one point. Could we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding.

Mr. Geller: All-right fine, but I just want to say, I’m not paying for your wine cellar. You thieving, would be speaking German if it weren’t for us, cheap little man. (Emily’s stepmum looks shocked. Jack and Judy get up and leave.)

(Chandler’s trying to console Monica.)

Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay? There’s no way, you look like Ross’s mother.

Monica: Then why would he say it?

Chandler: Because he’s crazy. Okay? He came up to me earlier and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic.

Monica: Oh, my mother’s right. I’m never going to get married.

Chandler: Ahh, you know what? That is....Who wouldn’t want you?

Monica: Ohh, Please?! I’m a single mom, with a thirty year old son!!

[Scene: The airport. Rachel runs up to the ticket counter.]

Rachel: Hi, I’m back. Listen, I need to...

Ticket Agent: Hello.

Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock flight.

Ticket Agent: Oh I’m afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate.

Rachel: Okay, you know what/ You’re going to have to call that plane and tell them to swing around and come and pick me up.

Ticket Agent: I can’t do that.

Rachel: Sure, you know what? Come on, we’ll just tell them that there was like a problem with like the "engine".

Ticket Agent: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to step aside, Miss.

Rachel: Look, If I don’t get to London!! He is going to marry that other girl!!!

Ticket Agent: I can’t imagine why.

Rachel: All right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you call that plane back!! (She pounds her hand on the counter twice. The ticket agent counters by placing the closed sign on the counter and tapping it twice.)

[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Ross bursts into the room.]

Ross: (Screaming) I’m getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!!

Chandler: (With the covers pulled up to his chin.) Morning, Ross.

Ross: I’m getting married, to..day!!

Chandler: Yeah you are!!

Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.

Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Chandler and Monica are lying in the bed together talking. There’s an awkward air between them. They are both clutching the covers in from of them.]

Chandler: Well I’ve-I’ve never done that with you before.

Monica: (In am uneasy voice.) Nope. (She chuckles uneasily.)

Chandler: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How ya... You okay?

Monica: Yep, yep...You?

Chandler: Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You?(Looking over at her. She looks back.) We did you.

Monica: Well...I’d better get going.

Chandler: Oh yea yea, absolutely.

Monica: (Scoots towards the side of the bed.) Could you not look?

Chandler: I don’t want to look.

[Scene: The Virgin Atlantic flight to London that Rachel is on.]

Rachel: Ohhh.(she rhythmically taps her hands on the magazine on her lap.)

Passenger: Ahh, ahh, excuse me.

Rachel: Yeah?

Passenger: If you’re planning on doing that throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now. So that I could that a sedative...or perhaps slip you one.

Rachel: Oh. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. Sorry. (She hums and sighs happily.) It’s just, I’m ahh, I’m kinda excited. I’m, ahh, going to London to ahh, tell this guy that I love him and... (He puts his headphones on to ignore her.)

[Scene: Joey enters his hotel room. The phone is ringing.]

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe: (Angrily.) Hey, were the hell have you been?!

Joey: Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so...

Phoebe: I don’t want to hear about her!!

Joey: Ahh Pheebs, you know you’re still my number one girl.

Phoebe: No! No, we have an emergency. Okay? Rachel’s coming to London.

Joey: Ohh great!!!

Phoebe: No it’s not great. No, she’s coming to tell Ross that she loves him.

Joey: (Confused.) But, he loves Emily?

Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop her!! She’s going to ruin the wedding!!

Joey: Okay.

Phoebe: All right, so, okay...

Joey: Hold on. Hold on. (Picking up a note pad and writing and reading the message aloud.) Rachel coming. Do...Something.

Phoebe: Okay, so I’m done my part, okay. It’s your responsibility now, okay. The burden is off me, right?

Joey: Right!

Phoebe: So tell me about this girl?

(The guys hotel room. Joey’s there. Chandler comes out of the bathroom in a robe.)

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Have you seen Monica?

Chandler: (Very defensive.) I’m not seeing Monica.

Joey: (With a confused look on his face.) What?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Look we’ve got to find her. Phoebe just called!! Rachel’s coming to tell Ross she loves him!!

Chandler: Oh my god!

Joey: I know! That’s why we got to find Monica!! You know where she is?

Chandler: No!! Okay!! What’s with the third degree?! Why don’t you just shine a light in my eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.)

[Scene: The plane. Rachel's telling her story to the passenger on her left. The one on her left is still wearing his headphones.]

Rachel: ...And so then I realized. All this stuff I had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn’t come to the wedding. Was all just a way of...

Passenger: (Frustrated he takes his headphones off.) Oh, oh oh!! I’m sorry, can I interrupt? You know I just want to say..That you are a horrible, horrible person.

Rachel: Ehh, pardon me?

Passenger: You say you love this man, yet you’re about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I’m afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs.. This is a..this is a...terrible, terrible plan.

Rachel: But he has to know how I feel!

Passenger: But why? He loves this...this Emily person. No good can come of this.

Rachel: (Sighing) Well I-I think your wrong.

Passenger: Oh-no.(He bites his fist at her.)And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break. (Rachel gasps and doesn’t know what to say. He puts his headphones back on.)

[Scene: The church where Ross and Emily are to be married. Judy, Andrea, and Monica enter together.]

Mrs. Geller: (Looking around at the chapel.) Oh my God! It’s like a fairyland.

Mrs. Waltham: I know, it’s horrible isn’t it?

Monica: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good.

Mrs. Geller: I just hope...

Monica: (Angrily.) You can let some of them go by!(Judy and Andrea go to the front of the chapel. Joey approaches Monica.)

Joey: (Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. I’ll cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross.

Monica: (Awkwardly.) Why would I care where Chandler is? You know uhh...You know sometimes I don’t even like Chandler.

Joey: Okay. (They both walk off to watch for Rachel.)

(Ross and chandler are standing next to the alter. Ross is practicing for the wedding.)

Ross: (Using a slightly different inflection for each.) I do. I do. I do.

Chandler: Oh yea, your right. It’s the second one.

Ross: (Very Nervous)Really?

[Scene: Joey’s in the front entrance watching for Rachel. The bridesmaid he met at the rehearsal dinner come in.)

Felicity: (In a sexy voice.)Hello Joey.

Joey: Hey, Felicity.

Felicity: Umm, I thought about you all day.

Joey: Yeah.

Felicity: Um-hum. Talk New York to me again.

Joey: (In a New York accent.) Fuggetaboutit. (She giggles.) How you doin?

Felicity: Mmm. (She pushes him up against the wall and they begin to kiss.)

Joey: Oh, yeah.

(Back in the chapel. The parents are still fighting over the bill. Ross is refereeing.)

Mrs. Geller: There’s nothing to discuss. We’re not paying for your wine cellar.

Mr. Waltham: (Pleading.) You-you have to meet me in the middle here.

Mr. Geller: (Forcefully.) Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foots going to meet the middle of your ass.

Ross: Dad!! (Emily comes running in.)

Emily: What-what’s going on?!

Ross: Nothing, nothing. Everything's under control.

Mr. Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is that what your saying? (Pointing at Jack and poking him) You want a piece of me?

Ross: (Stepping in between them.)Okay! Okay! That’s it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day! >From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word. NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his mother.) That’s right!!

Mr. Geller: Okay, okay.

Mr. Waltham: Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (Them all walk away. As he leaves he mutters to Jack.) I could kill you with my thumb, you know.

Emily: What was all that about?

Ross: (Sighing.) It was...This disagreement over...(She sighs. Ross notices her in her wedding dress.) My god. You...you look beautiful.

Emily: (Giggles.) Ohh...(She realizes that she’s in her gown.) Oh! You were not meant to see me before the wedding. It’s bad luck.

Ross: You know what, I think we’ve had all the bad luck we’re going to have. (He hugs her.)

(The front entrance. Joey and the bridesmaid are up against the wall kissing. Rachel comes in the door and walks by Joey unnoticed. She walks into the chapel and sees Ross and Emily kissing. She looks as though she wants to cry. Emily walks away and Ross turns and sees Rachel standing there.)

Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.) Your here. I can’t believe it. (She giggles.) What happen? Why are you here?

Rachel: Well I just came...(She touches him near his heart. She’s almost in tears.) I just needed to tell you...(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can barely hold back the tears.)

[Scene: Camera fades to one of the band members playing guitar at the wedding. The chapel is full of guest. A groomsmen escorts a bridesmaid down the isle. Joey is waiting with Mrs. Waltham to escort he down the isle. A cellular phone rings.]

Mrs. Waltham: (Answering the phone.) Hello, Waltham Interiors.

Phoebe: Mrs. Waltham. Hi. It’s Phoebe again.

Mrs. Waltham: (Throws her head back in disgust.) Why?!

Phoebe: Yea. Can I please, please, please talk to one of the best men? This is going to be the last time I promise.

Mrs. Waltham: (Slapping the phone into Joey’s chest.) Joey there’s a girl on the phone for you.

Joey: (Smiling.) Ohh great!! (Putting the phone to his ear.) Hello. (He begins to escort her down the aisle.)

Phoebe: Did you stop Rachel?

Joey: No, but it’s okay. She just came in and gave him a hug, that it.

Phoebe: So nothing got ruined?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Oh that’s so great! Ohh, so what’s going on now?

Joey: Ah, I’m-I’m walking down the aisle...Still walking. (Mrs. Waltham takes her place.) I’m about to pass the bridesmaid I hooked up with last night. (Looking at the bridesmaid.) Hey! (Talking to Phoebe.) I told her "Hey." And now I’m at the front with Ross. It’s Phoebe. (He shows Ross the phone.) He looks pretty mad. Uh...I’d better go.

Phoebe: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it up so I can listen. (Joey looks at Ross and holds the phone above Ross’s shoulder.)

(Chandler escorts Monica down the aisle.)

Chandler: What we did last night was....

Monica: Stupid.

Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. (He nods his head at the people seated.)

Monica: What were we thinking?

Chandler: I’m coming over tonight though, right?

Monica: Oh yeah. Definitely.

(They quickly take their places and Here Comes the Bride Begins to play. Everyone seated looks back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her place by Ross’s side.)

Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily...

Emily: I, Emily...

Minster: Take thee Ross...

Emily: Take thee Ross...

Minster: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Emily: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

Minster: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...

Ross: I Ross...

Minister: Take thee, Emily...

Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.

Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?

(Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the chapel were looking at her as the picture fades to black.)

FRIENDS S04E22 The One With The Worst Best Man Ever

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, Phoebe is returning from the bathroom.]

Phoebe: (angrily) That’s like the tenth time I’ve peed since I’ve been here!

Monica: That’s also like the tenth time you told us.

Phoebe: Yeah, oh I’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it’s a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I’m so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, ‘cause—Oh! I’m pregnant!

Ross: Pheebs, did…you want a cookie?

Phoebe: (starting to cry) Thank you so much.

Rachel: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?

Phoebe: I haven’t really had any yet.

(Monica, Joey, and Chandler all shake their heads.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Ross: All right, here’s the ring. (Shows Chandler the wedding ring he plans on giving Emily)

Chandler: (shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Ross: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don’t you have to decide who your best man is gonna be?

Chandler: Oh, it’s awkward. It’s awkward. It’s awkward.

Ross: I sort’ve already asked Chandler.

Joey: What?! He got to do it at your first wedding!

Ross: Joey, I figured you’d understand. I mean, I-I’ve known him a lot longer.

Joey: Come on Ross! Look, I-I don’t have any brothers; I’ll never get to be a best man!

Chandler: You can be the best man when I get married.

Joey: (pause) I’ll never get to be a best man!

Ross: (to Chandler) Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I never get to be yours at all?

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you—yeah, of course you get to be my best man.

Joey: (impatiently tapping Chandler on the shoulder) What about me?! You-you just said I could!

Chandler: I’m not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!

Joey: I can’t believe you’re not picking me.

Ross: Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey!

Chandler: I’m not even… I’m not even…

Ross: Fine, y’know what, that’s it. From now on, Joey, I want you to be my best man.

Joey: Yes! (to Chandler) Shame about you man.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: (to her babies) Stop it!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: One of the babies is kicking.

Monica: I thought that was a good thing.

Phoebe: It’s not kicking me, it’s kicking one of the other babies. Oh (looks down her dress)! Don’t make me come in there!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow?

Monica: Yeah, there’s one right under the cabinet.

Joey: (grabs it) Thanks.

Monica: Why do you need it?

Joey: Oh, we’re having a big party tomorrow night. Later! (Starts for the door.)

Rachel: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us?

Joey: Nooo, later. (Walks out the door.)

Phoebe: Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!! (Joey walks back in, scared.)

Rachel: Hormones!

Monica: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you’re having a party and we’re not invited?

Joey: Oh, it’s Ross’s bachelor party.

Monica: Sooo?

Joey: Are you bachelors?

Monica: Nooo!

Joey: Are you strippers?

Rachel: Nooo!

Joey: Then you’re not invited. (Starts for the door again.)

Rachel: All right fine! You’re not invited to the party we’re gonna have either.

Joey: Oh-whoa, what party?

Rachel: Well umm…

Monica: The baby shower for Phoebe!

Joey: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don’t want to do! Later! (Finally, he makes his exit.)

Phoebe: I can’t believe I’m gonna have a party! This is so great! (Really excited) A party! (Really, really excited) Yay!! (Suddenly, she starts crying and Rachel moves to comfort her.) I don’t know why.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are talking over party plans.]

Joey: This is what I’ve got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor.

Ross: Great. Great.

Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I’ve got you, me, and Chandler and I’m gonna invite Gunther ‘cause, well, we’ve been talking about this pretty loud.

Gunther: I’ll be there.

Joey: All right—oh! Listen, I know this is your party, but I’d really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there.

Ross: Yeah. Tell ya what, let’s not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes!

Joey: Okay! We’ll need a six-pack of Zima.

Chandler: (entering) Hey guys, what are you doing?

Ross: Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man.

Chandler: Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one.

Ross: Yeah, see, I don’t think it’s gonna that difficult considering this one won’t be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut.

Chandler: Oh, I’m Ross. I’m Ross. I’m too good for the Hut; I’m too good for the Hut.

Ross: Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything okay?

Joey: You got it.

Ross: Okay, see ya later.

Chandler: See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.

Joey: Well, there’s gonna be strippers there. He didn’t say anything about no strippers.

Chandler: He just said, "No strippers."

Joey: Oh, I chose not to hear that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is returning from shopping and Rachel is there.]

Monica: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! (She shows Rachel what she bought. She bought a little leather jacket and a little cowboy outfit for the babies.) Can you believe they make these for little people?

Rachel: Little village people.

Monica: Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite. (It’s a little pink and white dress for the girl baby.)

Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet!

Monica: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these!

Rachel: Huh. Except, Phoebe’s not gonna be the one that gets to dress them.

Monica: Because she’s not gonna get to keep the babies.

Rachel: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever!

Monica: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she’s done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila.

Rachel: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she’s always wanted!

Monica: Oh, she’s gonna love that!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe’s baby shower, she is holding those leather pants, and isn’t happy about it.]

Phoebe: What the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me stuff that I can’t use for another two months?! This sucks! All right, what’s my next present?!

All: I don’t have anything. (All of the rest of the women there hide their gifts behind their backs.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross’s bachelor party. Ross is thanking Joey for the party.]

Ross: Hey listen man, about the stripper…

Joey: Yeah?

Ross: Good call!

Chandler: (banging a spoon against his beer bottle) Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I’ve decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther!

Gunther: What’s my last name?

Chandler: Central Perk?

Gunther: (to Ross) Thanks for not marrying Rachel. (He starts to leave.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-wait, Gunther don’t-don’t forget your shirt. (He gives Gunther his shirt and Gunther leaves.)

Ross: Hey-hey, what are those?

Joey: Oh, little party favours, check it out! (It’s a shirt that reads, "Ross Geller, Bachelor Bash 1998")

Ross: Wow! Yeah!

Joey: Oh-oh! (Shows him what’s on the back, "Best Man Joey Tribbiani, with a huge picture of him.)

Chandler: (banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position of the bride.

The Stripper: Great!

Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey.

Joey: Oh, hey, don’t forget your shirt.

Ross: Oh, thanks! (Takes it and throws it back into the box and leaves.)

Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, party’s over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parent’s basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right.

The Stripper: Ohhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours?

Joey: Yeah!

The Stripper: Wow, I didn’t know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets.

Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck complies.)

The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.

Joey: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin’ ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday…

The Stripper: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night.

Joey: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around.

The Stripper: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. I’ll let you play with my duck.

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, it’s the middle of the night, he’s waking up and discovers he’s alone in bed.]

Joey: Hey, (realises he doesn’t know her name.) stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees it’s empty and starts to panic.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s continued from earlier. Joey is now waking Chandler and telling him the news.]

Joey: (running and banging on Chandler’s door) The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring!

Chandler: (opening the door) What?

Joey: The ring is gone!

Chandler: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this—Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You’re the worst best man ever!

Joey: Dude, this isn’t funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to bed last night, everything’s cool! I wake up this morning, the stripper’s gone and the ring is gone!

Chandler: You slept with the stripper?

Joey: Of course!! (Shrugs.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is entering, Monica and Rachel are talking on the couch.]

Phoebe: Hi, guys.

Rachel: Hi! Phoebe. (Both Monica and her try to move out of Phoebe’s way.)

Monica: Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: I-I wanted to apologise if I—y’know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. Y’know it’s just the hormones, y’know.

Rachel: No we…

Monica: Hormones.

Rachel: …hormones, yeah.

Phoebe: Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet. (She goes to hug them and they both flinch, thinking that Phoebe is about to attack them.)

Monica: Wow, you seem to be doing so much better. That’s great. So how-how are things going?

Phoebe: Good. Y’know—no-no, okay, it’s-it feels like everything’s been about me lately, so what’s happening with you?

Rachel: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross’s wedding.

Phoebe: Oh!

Rachel: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that…

Phoebe: Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him.

Rachel: Well, h-how is this like that?

Phoebe: Well, let’s see, it’s not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y’know a bunch of y’know high school crap that nobody really gives y’know…

Rachel: (starting to cry) I’m-I’m sorry, I just thought that…

Phoebe: Alrighty, here come the water works. (Rachel starts crying harder.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is trying to figure out what to do.]

Joey: Ugh! I don’t know what I’m going to do! I called the company that sent and th-they don’t care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me, if this isn’t an emergency, then what is?

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey…

Ross: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y’know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so…

Joey: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that’s nice!

Ross: Yeah, right!

Joey: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those…

Ross: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.

Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)

Ross: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life.

Chandler: So you might say, it’s a magic ring.

Joey: (laughs, softly) Yeah, the stripper stole it.

Ross: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?!

Chandler: Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don’t you be my best man."

Ross: (dialling the phone) All right-all right, fine! I-I’m gonna call the cops!

Joey: Dude, I screwed up, you don’t have to turn me in!

Ross: Not on you! On the stripper!

Joey: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they’re gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders.

Ross: Okay, well, we’ll call the company that sent her!

Joey: I did that too! They wouldn’t give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they’d call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I’m missing a ring!"

Ross: So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That there’s nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?!

Joey: Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I…

Chandler: Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?

Joey: Oh, that sounds like fun, but we’ve got a ring to find!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.]

Monica: Here’s your tea Phoebe. (They give it to her and quickly take a step back.)

Phoebe: (sips it) It’s so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.

Rachel: Good.

Monica: I’m so glad you liked it.

Phoebe: (sets the cup down) Oh! (Grabs her stomach in pain.)

Monica: What?!

Rachel: What?! She made the tea! (Points to Monica.)

Phoebe: Oh! No, I-I think I just had a contraction.

Rachel: You what?

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, I thought I had one a couple of minutes ago, and now I know that was definitely one.

Monica: Wait, you can’t have the baby here! I mean I haven’t sterilised it since the guys moved out!

Rachel: Okay. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. Y’know what? It’s okay. I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets!

Phoebe: No. It’s all right; it’s probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book.

Monica: Rachel, get the book! The book!

Rachel: Okay! (Runs and grabs a book and hands it to Monica.) Okay! Here!

Monica: The Bible?!

Rachel: I don’t know!

[Scene: Chandler’s office, the guys are there waiting to ambush the stripper.]

Joey: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. (to Ross) You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I’ll be uh, Mr. Wong.

Ross: Diverse.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

The Stripper: Did anybody call for security?

Chandler: (to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)

The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.) Hey, Joey?

Ross: Where’s my ring? My dead grandmother’s wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it?

Chandler: Way to be cool, man.

The Stripper: What’s he talking about?

Joey: There was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone!

The Stripper: Wait, you guys think I stole some ring?

The Guys: Yeah!

Ross: We know you took so just-just save yourself the time and confess!

The Stripper: Okay, who are you? The Hardy boys? Look, I don’t need to steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys make that?

Chandler: Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the guys are now trying to figure out what next to do, since their plan with the stripper backfired on them.]

Joey: I don’t get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didn’t take it, and I didn’t take it; and you (Chandler) didn’t take it, then who did? (The duck quacks.) Shh! We’re trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realise it at the same moment and stare at Joey, who doesn’t get it. After a short pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is recovering from her false labour.]

Rachel: I still don’t get how you know when it’s false labour.

Phoebe: Well, do you see any babies?

Monica: How do you feel?

Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean… I don’t know, it’s just, I guess I know it’s going to be over soon.

Rachel: Well, isn’t that a good thing? You said you were sick of this.

Phoebe: I know. It’s just y’know usually when you’re, when you’re done with the pregnant thing, y’know, then you get to do the mom thing. I’m gonna be y’know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila.

Monica: Some moms do that.

Phoebe: Okay that’s even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it’s just that now that they’re in me it’s like, it’s like I know them y’know, I mean-I mean, it’s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away.

Monica: Aww, sweetie, but it’s not like you’re not gonna have anything. You’re gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that’s even better.

Phoebe: Yeah, okay.

Rachel: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you’re not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they’re bad, y’know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won’t calm down. Y’know?

Monica: I mean, you’re the one they’re gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.

Rachel: And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe!

Phoebe: Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool!

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: And y’know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you.

Phoebe: They are gonna love me.

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Again.

Monica: Oh, sweetie! (They all hug.)

Phoebe: You’re the best. Thanks. Oh!

Monica and Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Just kidding. Ahh!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Got cha again, you guys are so easy.

[Scene: The Animal Hospital, the guys have taken the duck in to remove the ring. Joey is pacing around like an expectant father.]

Joey: If anything should happen to him…

Ross: Joey! The vet said it’s a simple procedure.

Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You don’t know! What if he doesn’t make it?!

Chandler: He will, Joe.

Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesn’t? He’s such a good duck.

(With that we go into a little flashback about the guys’ memories of the duck. The first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then it’s Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then it’s Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls’ apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole in the entertainment-center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and it’s concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping it’s wings. And the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)

Joey: I’m so worried about him, y’know?

The Doctor: (coming in from surgery) Somebody lose a ring?

Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where it’s been.)

Joey: H-h-h-how’s the duck?

The Doctor: He’s doing just fine, he’s resting now, but you can see him in a little bit.

Joey: Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this.

Ross: No, that’s all right.

Joey: No, it’s not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down!

Chandler: Hey, come on, it’s not your fault.

Joey: Yeah, it is! You wouldn’t have lost the ring, right? Y’know what, Ross you were right from the start, he (Chandler) should be your best man.

Chandler: No, you should.

Joey: Now, don’t argue with me…

Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Really?

Ross: Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my… I mean, I’m lucky to have just one good… (They all start getting emotional.)

Chandler: Thanks man.

Joey: (starting to cry) I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they can’t see him cry.)

Chandler: What a baby.

Ross: Total wuss!

(They both turn and wipe their eyes.)

FRIENDS S04E21 The One With The Invitation

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are sitting and talking.]

Chandler: Y’know what? It seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened.

Joey: I know. Ross is getting married.

Chandler: Phoebe is, making people.

Joey: Everybody’s doing stuff!

Chandler: And we just sit here. I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we have to do something. Okay? Something huge!

Joey: (snaps his fingers) We could climb Mt. Everest!

Chandler: No-no, not something stupid, something huge.

Joey: No-no-no-no-no, I saw an ad for this video, people climb that thing everyday! We could totally do that!

Chandler: Why not?! I mean it’s just, it’s just climbing! It’s just, it’s just steep!

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: We’re going to Everest! Okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on Everest!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: What-what’s up?

Joey: We’re gonna climb Mt. Everest!

Chandler: Yeah baby!

Phoebe: Really?! I looked into that. Yeah, but, I mean it costs like $60,000 and y’know you can die. And, you would die!

Chandler: (dejected) Yeah, well…

Joey: We could get that Everest video though.

Chandler: Yeah, we could do that without y’know risking our lives at all!

Joey: And while we’re down at the video store, you know what else we could rent? Die Hard! (Chandler’s excited.) Oh, y’know what? I just remembered, that Everest thing is only available through mail order.

Chandler: (dejected) Oh, well…

Phoebe: So you guys’ll stay here and hang out with me?

Chandler: Yeeeeahhhh.

Joey: Yeah. Yeah.

Chandler: But I’ll tell you something. One of these days we’re get off of our buts and rent Die Hard again!

Joey: Yeah we are!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, he and Emily are addressing their invitations.]

Emily: So what did he decide? Does your Uncle Nathan get an invite or not?

Ross: Ohh, God, nobody likes him, and he’s so cheap, he’d never fly to London in a million years. Yeah, invite him? Hey, did I do these neat enough? (Hands her some envelopes.)

Emily: Yeah, they’re fine.

Ross: Yeah?

Emily: If anyone asks, we’ll just say Ben addressed them. (Looking through the envelopes.) Oh! So you invited Rachel then?

Ross: Sure. Why not?

Emily: Really?

Ross: Yeah?

Emily: I don’t think I’d be comfortable with any of my old lovers there.

Ross: Wait-wait-wait, do you, do you think, maybe we shouldn’t invite her?

Emily: Oh, no-no, y’know I absolutely adore Rachel it’s just that, well it might be a awkward for you. But it’s absolutely your decision. (Gets up.) More tea?

Ross: Yeah sure.

Emily: Earl Grey?

Ross: Huh? Yeah, fine, invite whoever you want.

[And with that we start off on a series of clips from the entire history of Ross and Rachel, from Ross’s point of view. The first clip is from The Pilot.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is complaining about Carol.]

Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

(ENTER RACHEL IN A WET WEDDING DRESS. SHE STARTS TO SEARCH AROUND THE ROOM)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (EXTENDS HIS HAND HOPEFULLY)

Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

[cut to later]

Monica: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (TO RACHEL) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel: Hi, sure!

Ross: Hi.

(THEY GO TO HUG BUT ROSS' UMBRELLA OPENS. HE SITS, DEFEATED AGAIN)

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are finishing up some cookies.]

Ross: You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.

Rachel: I knew.

Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.

Rachel: I did.

Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?

Rachel: Yeah, maybe...

Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...

[The next clip is from The One With The Blackout.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are talking about passion.]

Ross: See, I see.... big passion in your future.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: I do.

Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. [she playfully rubs his head and gets up]

[Ross gets up, pleased with himself and starts to walk past Joey.]

Joey: It's never gonna happen.

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross is about to be attacked by Paulo's cat.]

Ross: Hey, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment.

Rachel: OK.

Ross: OK. Umm, for a while now, I've been wanting to, um....

Rachel: Ohhh!!!! [looking at something behind Ross]

Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...

Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! [a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross] Look at it!

Ross: What? [the cat jumps on his shoulders] Ow!

[Scene: Inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]

Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: [singing] I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find...

[The next clip is from The One With The East German Laundry Detergent.]

[Scene: The Laundromat, Rachel is fighting with that old, annoying woman for a cart.]

Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!

[She thinks it over, and then walks away.]

Rachel: [to Ross] Yes! Did you see that?

Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel: I could not have done this without you.

[Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.]

Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? [Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.] I'm fine, I'm fine.

[The next clip is from The One Where Ross Finds Out]

[Scene: Central Perk, I'm sure you've guessed, it's the famous fight scene between Ross and Rachel.]

Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.

Rachel: [hurt] What?

Ross: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.

Rachel: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?

[cut to later]

Ross: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.

[cut to later]

Rachel: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.

Ross: Fine.

Rachel: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.

Ross: Good.

Rachel: Good. [Ross leaves]

[cut to later]

[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him.]

[cut to later]

[She opens the door and they kiss.]

[The next clip is the second famous fight in The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are arguing.]

Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I’m doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I’m doing something that I’m actually good at. I mean. if you don’t get that...

Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I’m happy for ya, but I’m tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don’t know what to do anymore.

Rachel: Well neither do I!

Ross: Is this about Mark?

Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.

Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not.

Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you’re, you’re, you’re making this too hard.

Ross: Oh I’m, I’m making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do.

Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break.

Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, (goes to the door) let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yogart, or something.. (opens the door)

Rachel: No. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A break from us.

(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)

[The next clip is from The One The Morning After]

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is hurrying Chloe out the door.]

Chloe: Do I know why we’re rushing?

Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (He’s frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!

Chloe: That’s so great for you guys!

Ross: Yeah!

[cut to later]

Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend.

Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!!

Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.

Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.

Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again?

Ross: Yes, you can, very much.

(Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.)

Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just found out about Chloe and is screaming at Ross. The rest of the gang is trapped in Monica's bedroom.]

Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!

Ross: No!!

Rachel: Just get out! Now!!

Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this.

Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she?

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: What?

Rachel: Was she good?

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Don’t answer that.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it!! How was she?

Ross: She was...

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Awful! Horrible!

Chandler: She was not good. Not good.

Joey: She was nothing compared to you.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: She, she was different.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Ewwwww!

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Good different?

Ross: Nobody likes change.

(Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.)

Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[The next clip is from The One With The Jellyfish.]

[Scene: Rachel's bedroom, Rachel, entering selfish mode, is thanking Ross for wrongly taking the entire blame of the breakup; as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it.]

Rachel: ...the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know? I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...

Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!

[Cut back to the present.]

[Scene: A mailbox, Ross is mailing the invitations. He throws a bunch into the mailbox, but pauses with Rachel's. And it starts another round of clips.]

[The One With The Fake Party]

[Scene: The hallway, Rachel is convincing Ross that Emily is good for him.]

Rachel: You seem to really like her.

Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment.

Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks.

Ross: You think?

Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.

Ross: Hey, you’re right.

Rachel: Yeah.

[Cut back to the present, Ross is still looking at Rachel's invitation. Finally, he makes up his mind and mails it.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are opening their invitations.]

Monica: Ohh, this is soo amazing! I can’t believe my brother’s getting married! And in London! It’s so romantic!

Joey: (taking apart the invitation) Hey, pretty smart! Tissue paper! You’re at the wedding, you have to cry, "Handkerchief?" "No-no, I got my invitation."

Phoebe: Oooh look! Isn’t this adorable, Ross let Ben address mine!

Chandler: (entering) Hello!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! Hey, did you get your invitation to Ross’s wedding?

Chandler: (sarcastic) Noo.

Joey: Don’t worry man, I get to bring a guest. We’ll show him.

Phoebe: I’m so jealous you’re all going! I can’t believe I never knew that you can’t fly in your third trimester!

Chandler: I didn’t know that.

Monica: I never knew that either.

Joey: I knew that! (They all look at him) I sooo didn’t know that, but you should see your faces.

Rachel: (entering) Hey guys! What’s up?

Joey: Heyyy. (They all try and hide their invitations.)

Monica: We’re hanging out.

(Rachel starts going through her mail, and come across her invitation.)

Rachel: What’s this? Is this Ross’s wedding invitation?

Chandler: See, maybe that’s the one we should’ve actually hidden.

Rachel: Oh, no! No you guys! Come on, you don’t have to do that! I’m happy for him! I am! I really—I’m-I’m happ—I’ll work on it.

Monica: I’m sorry honey.

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Rach, you’re gonna come though aren’t you?

Rachel: Oh, honey, I don’t know. I…

Chandler: This isn’t one of those uh, y’know "If she doesn’t come, we-we don’t, we don’t come?" Right? Because I already bought my ticket…

Monica: You know what would be real weird? Is if you weren’t there. Just say you’ll think about it, okay?

Rachel: No, I’ll think about it. Yeah.

[And with that, we go into another set of clips, this time from Rachel’s point of view.]

[The first clip is from The One Where Rachel Finds Out.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's Rachel birthday party and Chandler is about to spill the beans.]

Rachel: Who's this from?

Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.

Rachel: Oh... [opens it]... [sees it is a pin] Oh my God. He remembered.

Phoebe: Remembered what?

Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him that it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!

Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.

Monica: I can't believe he did this.

Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

[Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel.]

Rachel: What did you just say?

Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah.... flennin....

Rachel: Oh.... my God.

[The next clip is from The One With Ross's New Girlfriend.]

[Scene: The airport, Ross is about to walk off of the plane with Julie.]

Rachel: (seeing Ross come off the plane with another woman.) Oh my God.

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is introducing Julie to the gang.]

Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.

Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.

Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to hang up on Julie.]

Ross: Oh, that is so sweet.(listens) No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three.(He doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet.) Well you didn't hang up either.

Rachel: She didn't hang up either...

Ross: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y-- (Rachel grabs the phone and hangs it up for him.)

[The next clip is from The One Where Ross Finds Out.]

[Scene, A Restaurant, Rachel is on her date, drunk, and is leaving that answering machine message.]

Rachel: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat...(cut)...I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]

[cut to later]

[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross is checking his messages.]

Ross: Rach, I got a message from you.

[Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.]

Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.]

Ross: You're over me?

Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back]

Ross: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?

Rachel: Ohh, ohh.

Ross: When, when were you... under me?

Rachel: Well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.

[cut to later in the same scene]

Ross: OK, I need to lie down.

[The next clip is from The One With The List.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has just broken up with Julie and is about to get with Rachel.]

Joey: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Really. It's always been you, Rach.

Rachel: Oh, god.

[Ross and Rachel hug.]

Chandler and Joey: Ohhh.

[The next clip is from The One Where Ross and Rachel.... You Know.]

[Scene: The Auditorium, Ross and Rachel are about to... you know.]

Ross: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.

Rachel: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight.

[They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.]

Rachel: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.

Ross: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.

[The next clip is from The One The Morning After.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to prevent Gunther from spilling the beans.]

Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.

Gunther: I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to?

(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.)

[The next clip is from The One At The Beach.]

[Scene: The beachhouse, Ross and Rachel are argueing about the breakup.]

Ross: Y'know, hey! You’re the one who ended it, remember?

Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you!

Ross: You still love me?

Rachel: Noo.

[cut to later]

Ross: What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together?

Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don’t know.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just...

(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss.)

[The next clip is from The One With The Jellyfish.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are finally breaking up for good, or is it?]

Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!

Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)

[cut to later]

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!

Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!

[cut back to the present.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is deciding on whether or not to go to the wedding.]

[cut to another clip, this one is from The One With The Prom Video]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is watching the Prom Video and Rachel is about to make her entrance on the video. The italics are portions of the prom video.]

MRS. GELLER: Rachel's coming up the path. Doesn't she look pretty. Jack... [Rachel enters with a huge nose]

Rachel: Oh my God.

Monica: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this.

All: Oh yeah we do. C'mon.

MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica.

MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is.

Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.

Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

[cut to later]

MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off.

MR. GELLER: It is off. Right Ross? [pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache]

Joey: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter.

[cut to later]

RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late.

MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to go either.

MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.

[cut to later]

Ross: Y'know what? I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off.

All: No, no, no.

Ross: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright.

MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go.

MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome.

MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em.

ROSS: [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad.

MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining... no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving]

RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?

Monica: I can't believe you did that.

Ross: Yeah, well.

[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross]

Phoebe: See, he's her lobster.

[Cut back to the present, Rachel has made her decision.]

Monica: (seeing the decision) Nooooo. You’re really not going?

Rachel: Yeah. It’s just gonna be too hard. Y’know? I mean, it’s Ross. How can I watch him get married? Y’know it’s just, it’s for the best, y’know it is, it’s… Y’know, plus, somebody’s got to stay here with Phoebe! Y’know she’s gonna be pretty big by then, and she needs someone to help her tie her shoes; drive her to the hospital in case she goes into labour.

Monica: You don’t have a car. And your license expired.

Rachel: I know. (Starts to cry) Yeah, see, there’s so much to do and I have so little time to do it in.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are reading a book about things to do whilst in London.]

Chandler: All right, check it out. Check this out. It says here that there’s a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums! (Reading from the book.) "It’s almost as good as being there."

Joey: It’s better! You can’t go to a museum in your underwear!

Chandler: Well, You could, but... probably just the one time.

Joey: I bet we could get videos of all the sites, get a VCR in our hotel room... we'd never even have to go outside!

Chandler: If we do that, we gotta get Die Hard.

Joey: Oh-ho! I bet the British version is gooooood!